three months with out LJ
felt i should post

wow, an update. >.<
what to say, what to say.
i dont care.
not like anyone is going to even care to comment.
mainly cause i HAVE nothign to say. >.<
meow mix meow mix meow mix.

Current Location: school, next to tara >.<

post

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]

Current Mood: contemplative

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme when I was obsessed with time
All I know, time was just slipping away
And I watched it count down to the end of the day
Watched it watch me and the words that I say
The echo of the clock rhythm in my veins
I know that I didn’t look out below
And I watched the time go right out the window
Tried to grab hold
Tried not to watch
I wasted it all on the hands of the clock
But in the end, no matter what I pretend
The journey is more important than the end or the start
And what it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard

( happy hillary? )

amazing, only 3 people have noticed a change in my mood
funny thing is, I HAVENT SEEN ANY OF THESE THREE PEOPLE IN A WHILE
people i see everyday at school havent noticed when i was a bit more depressed unless i tell them
but the three people who noticed, noticed instantly while i was talking to them online
one did make a mistake of it and thought i was happier but ill ignore that fact for now
at least she noticed
i hate having to tell people what is obvious
if i look like im about to burst out crying-ask whats wrong
if i look pissed-ask why
dont just sit there and think im fine
i never am
i want for someone to notice on their own
and dont think just cause im writing this you always have to ask
cause when im a my "normal state" im "fine"
but if the state has changed, i want someone to notice
is that too much to ask of?

Current Mood: irritated

not really sure what to type here, but yea oh well, anywho yea
my b-day party was really fun, if some people went it could have been better but oh well
i loved it anyways
i missed my worcester friends SOOO much
seeing Shawn, Katie, Amanda, and Josh was nice
aslo seeing Amy was sweet
we played Wii and DDR, twas fun
after we got yelled at we played in my backyard with the mini football
then was ckae (my wedding cake (i proposed to shawn))
then was presents, in all i got $161, a cdplayer, a binki necklace, socks, a book, a XXL monster, the abilty to borrow taylors Wii
after we went to the park and had loads of fun
we played around a bit
then started to play truth or dare
then we decided, teens playing that near little kids isnt good
so we moved
then after that we went back to my house and watched George Carlin: Messing Wtih Your Head
then people left

Current Mood: complacent

so i am seriously contemplating breaking up with maggie. i really dont want to, nor do i think i can, but something has to be done. she hasnt spoken to me in the past two days (well she has but like not even close to a quick conversation) and the past (i think) three lunches i was really depressed but she hadn't noticed, yet today ben "looked" sad so maggie says "ben you look sad, im gonna give you a hug" or something along those lines and i flipped out, but i kept it to myself.  ended up taking my anger out on a poem and i also wrote "and i feel immortal and i wanna make you feel the same so stand by me as we immolate we can burn in each others arms" basically saying i feel can live through this, and i want her to aswell, so please hold me, as we sacrifice our love by fire, and we can destroy it togther. but i dont want to end it, i just dont, and for some reason i cant talk to her about it...or at all. i wrote a reminder on my wrist saying "reminder:scream fucking lungs out at home" she made me that pissed off.  but i dont know anymore.

and i hope today i can play super special awesome cardgames with the bunch, but for some reason i dont see that happening either. mainly cause taras mom doesnt want me goign to her house (dont know why) and tara has alot of homework

today was supposed to be a great day, so far, not at all

Current Mood: pissed off

There lyrics are all I have felt today. Today was not a good day. I am sick, I was depressed, and not ONE person even bothered to ask why.



"Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss me the same when you taste my victim's blood?"

"I'm done with promises
I'm taking blood oaths
Feels likes you could kiss my imperfections
My imperfections away
And I would stand
Stand by your side until the sun turns the sky
All the colors I see in your eyes"

"And I feel immortal and I want to make you feel the same
So stand by me as we immolate
We can burn in each other's arms"

"All those things that you couldn't say
You should've said
All those I-love-you's lost
Weighed more like lead on your chest, what of"

"If I could take back all those misspent days
Every second of anger, I would wash my sins away!"

"Have you ever stopped raised your face up to the sun and screamed"

"My arms feel so numb my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins. "

"Damn right, I am still pissed.
Next time I see your face we'll see who has the upper hand.
Kiss my fist, taste the floor, tired of your games. Fuck off, goodbye."

"And we were given this life to live,
Not exist under standards, set by some bullshit rule book."

"The fear of romance
The pain of living
The joy of sorrow
The strength of forgiving"

"I used to be golden, a saint in a time of sorrow,
but then the turning came and I kissed
The sun goodbye, don't you get it,
it's always darker in my eyes, the screams of my brothers
Egging me on "

"Aren't you tired cause I will carry you, on a broken back
And blown out knees, I have been where you are for a while.."

"I will kiss every scar, and weep you are not alone...
Then I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat."

Current Mood: depressed

what emotion i am supposed to be feelign right now, i am very fucking ecstatic that they FINALLY made me a junior at OHS, but im kinda sad that maggie is mad at me for the whole handcuffs and shot glas deal....that and i didnt get to kiss her at lunch or afterschool )=, oooh and im scared...cause i have ms krantz for period 7 english 3 and i dont know anyone in it (or so for now) 

Current Mood: content