burndownmydream

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 13:58:37 GMT

three months with out LJ
felt i should post

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 12:32:26 GMT

wow, an update. >.<
what to say, what to say.
i dont care.
not like anyone is going to even care to comment.
mainly cause i HAVE nothign to say. >.<
meow mix meow mix meow mix.

just making a random post

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 18:14:13 GMT

post

Jacobs lament

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 14:27:03 GMT

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]

[x2]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself

[Chorus:]
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
by myself [myself]

[x2]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself

[Chorus]

How do you think I’ve lost so much
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch
How do you expect... I will know what to do
When all I know Is what you tell me to

[x2]
Don’t you know
I can’t tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can’t seem to convince myself why
I’m stuck on the outside

[Chorus x2]

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 12:11:12 GMT

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme when I was obsessed with time
All I know, time was just slipping away
And I watched it count down to the end of the day
Watched it watch me and the words that I say
The echo of the clock rhythm in my veins
I know that I didn’t look out below
And I watched the time go right out the window
Tried to grab hold
Tried not to watch
I wasted it all on the hands of the clock
But in the end, no matter what I pretend
The journey is more important than the end or the start
And what it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

Hey, yo
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme to explain in due time
All I know, hah, I so-socialse
Like the host of the party
I spoke, shaked, and made eye-contact
Partied and toasted strong, all that
Northeast, Southwest coast
I’m staring out the window
No oppourtunity to mingle
I tried to sew it up to weaken your system
I had you throwing up
I brought you back into things
Like the imaginary man of your dreams
You’d always seem to make it worth it
I pig-skin, I never nerf it
You felt like loving, never played real
I’m bringing the pleasure
By any means it means I’m leaving your team
Hell of a team, man it seems I tried so hard

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

Linkin Park
Remix
Motion Man
Linkin Park
In the end
Kutmasta Kurt
Linkin Park
Remix
Motion Man
Linkin Park
In the end
Kutmasta Kurt
Remix

One thing, I don’t know how
It doesn’t even matter when you look at it now
’Cause when I designed this rhyme
I was scared of it all, scared to fall, and I hadn’t even tried to crawl
But I was forced to run with you mocking me, stopping me, backstabbing me constantly
Remembering all the times you fought with me
Watch the clock now chock-full of hipocrisy
But now your mouth wishes it could inhale
Every single little thing you said to make things fail
Every single word you sputtered just to get your piece
But it really doesn’t matter to me
’Cause from the start to the end, no matter what I pretend
The journey is more important than the end or the start
And what it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

In the end

From the top to the bottom
Bottom to top I stop
At the core I’ve forgotten
In the middle of my thoughts
Taken far from my safety
The picture’s there
The memory won’t escape me

We’re stuck in a place so dark
You can hardly see
The manner of matter that splits with the words I breathe
And as the rain drips acidic questions around me
I block out the sight and the powers that be
And duck away into the darkness
Times up
I wind up in a rusted world with eyes shut so tight that it blurs into the world of pretend
And the eyes ease open
And it’s dark again

From the top to the bottom
Bottom to top I stop
At the core I’ve forgotten
In the middle of my thoughts
Taken far from my safety
The picture’s there
The memory won’t escape me
But why should I care?

In the memory you’ll find me
Eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly
Until the sun rises up

Listen to the sound
Dizzy from the ups and downs
I’m nauseated by the polluted rot that’s all around
Watching the wheels of cars that pass
I look past to the last of the light and the long shadows it casts
A window grows and captures the eye
And cries out a yellow light as it passes me by
And a young shadowy figure sits in front of a box
Inside a building of rock with antennas on top, now
Nothing can stop in this land of the pain
The sane lose not knowing they were part of the game
And while the insides change
The box stays the same and the figure inside could bear anybody’s name
The memories I keep are from a time like then
I put on my paper so I could come back to them
Someday I’m hoping to close my eyes and pretend
That this crumpled up paper can be perfect again

Yo, from the top to the bottom
Bottom to top I stop
At the core I’ve forgotten
In the middle of my thoughts
Taken far from my safety
The picture’s there
The memory won’t escape me

I’m here at this podium talking
The ceremonial offerings dedicated to urban dysfunctional offspring
What’s happening?
City governments are eternally napping
Trapped in greedy covenants
Causing urban collapse
And bullets that scar souls with dark holes
Get more than your car stole, some parts be blacker than charcoal, for real
This society’s deprivation depends now on our differences but the separation within
No preparation is made
Limited aid, minimum wage
Living in a tenement cage where rent isn't paid
Tragedy within a parade
The darkness overspreads like a permanent plague
I’m the forgotten

In the memory you’ll find me
Eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly
Until the sun rises up

i find it...

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 18:47:58 GMT

amazing, only 3 people have noticed a change in my mood
funny thing is, I HAVENT SEEN ANY OF THESE THREE PEOPLE IN A WHILE
people i see everyday at school havent noticed when i was a bit more depressed unless i tell them
but the three people who noticed, noticed instantly while i was talking to them online
one did make a mistake of it and thought i was happier but ill ignore that fact for now
at least she noticed
i hate having to tell people what is obvious
if i look like im about to burst out crying-ask whats wrong
if i look pissed-ask why
dont just sit there and think im fine
i never am
i want for someone to notice on their own
and dont think just cause im writing this you always have to ask
cause when im a my "normal state" im "fine"
but if the state has changed, i want someone to notice
is that too much to ask of?

no idea...

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 19:01:33 GMT

not really sure what to type here, but yea oh well, anywho yea
my b-day party was really fun, if some people went it could have been better but oh well
i loved it anyways
i missed my worcester friends SOOO much
seeing Shawn, Katie, Amanda, and Josh was nice
aslo seeing Amy was sweet
we played Wii and DDR, twas fun
after we got yelled at we played in my backyard with the mini football
then was ckae (my wedding cake (i proposed to shawn))
then was presents, in all i got $161, a cdplayer, a binki necklace, socks, a book, a XXL monster, the abilty to borrow taylors Wii
after we went to the park and had loads of fun
we played around a bit
then started to play truth or dare
then we decided, teens playing that near little kids isnt good
so we moved
then after that we went back to my house and watched George Carlin: Messing Wtih Your Head
then people left

son of a bitch....

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 18:18:34 GMT

so i am seriously contemplating breaking up with maggie. i really dont want to, nor do i think i can, but something has to be done. she hasnt spoken to me in the past two days (well she has but like not even close to a quick conversation) and the past (i think) three lunches i was really depressed but she hadn't noticed, yet today ben "looked" sad so maggie says "ben you look sad, im gonna give you a hug" or something along those lines and i flipped out, but i kept it to myself. ended up taking my anger out on a poem and i also wrote "and i feel immortal and i wanna make you feel the same so stand by me as we immolate we can burn in each others arms" basically saying i feel can live through this, and i want her to aswell, so please hold me, as we sacrifice our love by fire, and we can destroy it togther. but i dont want to end it, i just dont, and for some reason i cant talk to her about it...or at all. i wrote a reminder on my wrist saying "reminder:scream fucking lungs out at home" she made me that pissed off. but i dont know anymore.

and i hope today i can play super special awesome cardgames with the bunch, but for some reason i dont see that happening either. mainly cause taras mom doesnt want me goign to her house (dont know why) and tara has alot of homework

today was supposed to be a great day, so far, not at all

fuck...

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 22:03:24 GMT

There lyrics are all I have felt today. Today was not a good day. I am sick, I was depressed, and not ONE person even bothered to ask why.

"Will you still hold me when you see what I have done?
Will you still kiss me the same when you taste my victim's blood?"

"I'm done with promises
I'm taking blood oaths
Feels likes you could kiss my imperfections
My imperfections away
And I would stand
Stand by your side until the sun turns the sky
All the colors I see in your eyes"

"And I feel immortal and I want to make you feel the same
So stand by me as we immolate
We can burn in each other's arms"

"All those things that you couldn't say
You should've said
All those I-love-you's lost
Weighed more like lead on your chest, what of"

"If I could take back all those misspent days
Every second of anger, I would wash my sins away!"

"Have you ever stopped raised your face up to the sun and screamed"

"My arms feel so numb my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins. "

"Damn right, I am still pissed.
Next time I see your face we'll see who has the upper hand.
Kiss my fist, taste the floor, tired of your games. Fuck off, goodbye."

"And we were given this life to live,
Not exist under standards, set by some bullshit rule book."

"The fear of romance
The pain of living
The joy of sorrow
The strength of forgiving"

"I used to be golden, a saint in a time of sorrow,
but then the turning came and I kissed
The sun goodbye, don't you get it,
it's always darker in my eyes, the screams of my brothers
Egging me on "

"Aren't you tired cause I will carry you, on a broken back
And blown out knees, I have been where you are for a while.."

"I will kiss every scar, and weep you are not alone...
Then I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat."

sooo i dotn know...

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 18:15:48 GMT

what emotion i am supposed to be feelign right now, i am very fucking ecstatic that they FINALLY made me a junior at OHS, but im kinda sad that maggie is mad at me for the whole handcuffs and shot glas deal....that and i didnt get to kiss her at lunch or afterschool )=, oooh and im scared...cause i have ms krantz for period 7 english 3 and i dont know anyone in it (or so for now)

i dotn know why

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 00:13:09 GMT

but i actually find it funny that im on the brink of breakign down but im smiling, those who were helping me kinda stopped its way amusing, not, had a rough day, rougher afternoon, and im almost about to cry (= someone, ANYONE help me pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 03:38:15 GMT

things seem to be going good, for the most part, though things keep reminding me of my past, which i dont like, but oh well other than that its been smooth

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 00:56:56 GMT

im not quite sure what to put here actually...

6 more til i go to school in drag (and tara gets turned on by it (actually i think josh would be too) XD kidding)
6 more days to the Childrens Card Game Party XD
8 more days to my birthday
8 more to homecoming
9 to the party
10 til a day about reminising on the weekend XD

sooo...

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 23:53:34 GMT

i actualy was happy today, spent the day with tara and her boyfriend josh, twas VERY fun, we went to the auburn mall, i stole a metal shot glass from spencers gifts, and 2 mini-handcuffs from hottopic XD, the after we went to arys and ate, it was yummy

and its funny cause only three people read this and two of them were there
so why am i stelling you this?
ah well

i dont know anymore....

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 18:26:37 GMT

so yea, seeing Maggie and Boan didnt help my mood, i was depressed all day, and for some reason i brought my razor to school (dont really know why though). but anywho, yea today wasnt that good of a day. although listening to Taproot kinda helped me, it made me realize that "i am not a quiter"

here are the lyrics:
"I’m trying to scream but I can’t breathe…
Can anybody hear me?
I’m trying to dream but I can’t sleep…
Can anyone shield me?
I shut my eyes and hold my cries to myself
My pride’s in the shitter
But I…
Won't quit, never quit"

i dont kow any more, i just dont

i was going to break up with maggie (cause of the "rushed into a relationship" thing) but then she gave me a necklace that says "I <3 U" and i just didnt have the heart too.... so yea....im not sure what to do now

Sing Without A Reason To Never Fall In Love...

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 18:31:14 GMT

today's weather was a completely 100% accurate representation of how i felt. i was horridly depressed. seeing Maggie and Botan made me happy, but other than that i was at combat with my mind. on the plus side, when i was walking home i was listening to lostprophets-last train home, and i was like w/e but then it switched to Mest-rooftops,and i got spontaniously happy, and bouncy, thank you mest. other than that, i dont know what to say.

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 20:24:58 GMT

no update today, onlycause i dont know what to say

mental note...

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 17:29:39 GMT

granted its not in my head, its still a note for me to remember
never listen to love songs when you are depressed
even if you are with someone
it doesnt really help
you tend to think of the past
and it really blows
i cant stp thinking about the people i have gone out with
nor can i focus on the perosn i am
this really blows
cause my music library is either love songs or hate songs
and if i listen to hate songs
then that kinda reflects on my relationship
and no music at all blows
cause its what gets me by through the day
fuck this
i am not officially apathetic

still....

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 20:19:27 GMT

depressed. >.< its pissing me off damn it, but what ever, it SHOULD eventually go away. some thing has got to make it go away. when im with agatha it does, but im not always around her, and when im not, it takes its toll

"This place is soo empty, my thoughts are so tempting"

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 18:44:29 GMT

well listenign to Sum 41-Pieces earlier today didnt help my mood, i realized that it described me. I have tried to be perfect. i have realized that nothing is worth it. and i know it wont make me real, ever. its just not easy, but everything i said i ment. and tbh, i do feel as if im better on my own. but i dont want ot be on my own, i just dont. my depression is getting worse and worse, and the thoughts that come with it are very tempting.a nd i have come to realize that being perfect is the most wrong thing possible (i dont care how awkward that sentence is).

so yea i hope, eventually things will get better, but i doubt it

wierd thing, on the way hoem from school, as i was listening to sum 41-pieces, at the part where he says "these thoughts are soo tempting" i found a razor on the ground, oddly enough i was in the parkign lot of a playground

with this rose...

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 18:59:30 GMT

i dont know, i should be happy, im with a girl i really like, i am happy with her, but like ive been sooo depressed lately, i uno, things have but havent been goign my way, on the plus: i have a girl friend, and a couple other friends at my new school, but on the downi got kicked back a year of school because i didnt get all my credits, and the fucking guidance didnt convert mine to the standards of the new school, so yea, im fucking pissed about that, but i dont know, i know that is not it. maybe its the music i have been listening to, the fact that almost everysong i know and like is related to a memory i dont wanna remember, and bringing it back hurts, linkin park helps me cheer up, but lately even that hasnt been helping , i feel as if i just keep getting more and more depressed, i do have suicidal thoughts, but i coudl NEVER kill myself, i wouldnt risk hurting those i love, i dont know what to do, or what to say

gahhhh

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 22:36:06 GMT

so i joined this because no one talks to me on myspace, xanga, facebook, darkstarlings, vampirefreaks, or anything else, but anywho yea, meow